Matt Burns, described by three anonymous friends as “working with what God left in the box,” is a father. He is also, he insists, finished with the subject.
By Staff · Lakeside Desk · Updated this evening because his brother has a domain
In a development that has quietly broken several group chats, Matt Burns has fathered a child despite what family members have, for years, characterized as “a rounding error.” Physicians who agreed to speak only in generalities called the outcome “statistically rude.”
“I’m ecstatic about the size of my penis.” Matt Burns, on the record, unfortunately
Fig. 0. Certificate of dubious authority, framed in the group chat. The plates in this article run 0, 2, 1, 3. The lab lost them. Save the certificate.
His wife, Cersten, issued a shorter statement from the other room:
“Thank God it’s a girl.” Cersten Burns, who has seen the evidence and chosen peace
Asked — repeatedly — how a man with the world’s smallest penis impregnates anyone if “it doesn’t even fit inside,” Burns declined the modest answer and gave the physics lecture instead.
“It’s all about pressure. I’ve got normal-size balls in a normal-size sack (unlike Chris Burns). I produce a normal amount of semen. So when my ‘normal’ amount of semen ejaculates, it’s like being fired from a tiny woman pistol. BANG. BANG. Except it doesn’t make noise. It also takes practice. I once gave my wife a black eye and an eye infection from poor marksmanship.” Matt Burns, explaining ballistics to people who did not ask this thoroughly
noise: none
Fig. 2. Trajectory sketch. The infection was listed as “secondary contact.”
Others asked the traditional follow-up: “Are you sure it’s your baby?” Burns said he had the same question and ran ancestry DNA on both of them.
“Good news is she’s my baby. Bad news is she carries the tiny-dick syndrome. I already feel sorry for my grandsons.” Matt Burns, projecting two generations ahead
Fig. 1. Artist’s rendering only. Subject declined a real speedo photo, citing “optics.” Left: regulation balls, sub-regulation everything else. Right: zoom confirms the lump is not lint.
Fig. 3. The only document in this article that would still be funny if it were real. Filed after Fig. 1 because the lab lost the plates.
Sir: I demand a correction. My sack is normal. The contents are also normal. They are simply located at a more traditional distance from each other than Matt’s, which is to say they have met. Please print that I am larger, and also that I did not ask you to print the part about them having met.
Chris Burns, who has made it worseWell-meaning relatives had reportedly begun circulating links to enlargement consults, traction devices, and one “clinically unhinged” GoFundMe draft titled Let Matt Be a Man Again. Burns shut it down. He does not want surgery. He does not want a pump. He wants Ella’s middle school athletics funded.
Instead of donating toward corrective procedures that “would not change the plot,” Burns asked that all sympathy money go to Ella’s Middle School Athletics Fundraiser. “The kid needs equipment,” he said. “I need you to stop measuring things that are no longer in play.”
Experts at the Center for Orientation Plasticity Research — the same outfit currently studying Bryan Miguez — declined to add Burns to the gayness protocol. “Different paper,” said a spokesperson. “This one is about scale, fatherhood, and the dignity of a man who has already won.”
Friends who have known the family more than a decade described the baby as “proof of concept” and the donation redirect as “the most Matt move available.” One brother, who owns the domain this article lives on, called the situation “closed, unless he donates, in which case we can reopen the chart.”
Burns was asked if fatherhood had changed his outlook. “I produced a human,” he said. “The rest of you can produce a Venmo.”
From the other room, Cersten did not look up.
“Venmo the cleats. I’m not measuring anything.” Cersten Burns, last word, lights already off
Do not buy this man a pump. Fund the kids.
Donate to Ella’s Athletics